Fuck me, what the fucking fuck did the fucking Taoiseach just say?

I cannot fucking believe the fucking fuckstorm of fuckery that has emanated from Brian ‘Big Ignorant Fucker’ Cowen’s use of an expletive in the Dáil on Wednesday. In what was intended to be a private conversation with the Tánaiste, Mary Coughlan, the Taoiseach was (slightly) clearly heard to have described somebody as ‘f***ers’.

Yes, that’s right. The Taoiseach swears. Even the eff-word. The bad eff-word. Not ‘feck’ – you know the one I mean. I’m as shocked as you are. Apparently (although I’m not sure how true this is), he goes to the toilet sometimes too. I mean, who would have thought it?

After being subjected to repeated (pre-watershed) airings of his disgraceful misdemeanour, and a great deal of sanctimonious hand wringing from Enda Kenny (a man who once told a ‘joke’ which included the word ‘nigger’, which is considerably more offensive than ‘f***er’), a somewhat humbled Taoiseach issued an apology through the media. He said: “I’m really fucking sorry. Regardless of the fucking context or regardless of whether it was being heard publicly or privately it should not have fucking been said and I withdraw it and I acknowledge it. Now, fuck the fuck off and leave me alone, you fucking f***ers. Go on, get ta fuck.”

The hugely important story of Cowen’s ‘four letter outburst’ (seven, surely) somehow made its way onto the front pages of almost every newspaper on Thursday, from the Times to the Indo, right down to the S*n. It’s completely understandable, as there is clearly fuck-all else worth reporting at the moment. The economy is a bit fucked; the health service is utterly fucked; the Lisbon Treaty is fucking incomprehensible to most of the fucking electorate. But who gives a fuck about any of that? The Taoiseach whispered the word ‘f***ers’ in the Dáil, and that’s all that fucking matters.

Tomorrow: Mary Harney apologises for telling cancer patients to ‘get f***ed’