Five ways to beat those Recession Blues

Trust me – I’m not an economist.

1. Quit your job.

Let’s face it – there’s a good chance that, within the next few months, you’re going to be a victim of ‘outsourcing’, ‘downsizing’ or ‘restructuring’, so why not take control, get in there first and tell them where they can stick their lousy job? You see, signing on the dole is about to become a whole lot more socially acceptable. For the first time in over a decade, you won’t be seen as some parasitic social leper, sponging off the state. You’ll be a victim of the economy, forced to queue once a month alongside such bastions of middle-class society as former estate agents, property developers, cocaine dealers and party planners. At  around €197 per week, the pay is mediocre, but the hours are absolutely perfect.

2. Write a novel.

If you’ve taken leave of your senses and sauntered out of a perfectly decent job, on the basis of shoddy advice dished out by some preposterously ignorant gobshite off the internet, you’ll have plenty of time on your hands. Put that time to good use, and get cracking on that beautiful piece of literary fiction that we all apparently have embedded within us. If you tell people you’re writing a novel, they’ll be fascinated. You could be a tedious bore, but the second you tell someone you’re writing a novel, you automatically become vaguely interesting. Even if you have no inclination to write, just lie through your teeth. As Peter Cook once said, when somebody informed him they were writing a novel, “Really? Neither am I”.

3. Emigrate.

We’ve all seen that mid-1980s episode of Reeling in the Years which ended with the depressing scene of countless young Irish people queuing at the US Embassy or Dublin airport or somewhere, in a bid to get the hell out of here to start new lives in the land of opportunity. Well, guess what folks! Those days are comin’ back! The only issue is that America is somewhat less attractive now that its own economy is on the skids. Britain is in the same boat – as is much of Europe and Australia. Although I hear there’s an insurance company looking for staff in Bangalore. That might be worth a look.

4. Get educated.

Let’s imagine you’ve spent the last year on the dole (or whatever optimistic name they’re giving it nowadays), and you’re getting a bit restless. Put your clothes on, sober up, head down to your local unfriendly Social Welfare Office and tell them you want to return to education. They’ll be so thrilled to see the back of you that they’ll put you on some scheme where they actually pay you to go to college. In addition to that, there’s a good chance that you’ll also be eligible for a grant, so while everybody else struggles, you’ll be relatively comfortable. Proceed to spend the next few years doing pretty much the same as you did when you were unemployed, except for the occasional appearance at college to hand in overdue assignments. At the end of it all, the recession will be over and you’ll be qualified to get a decent job.

5. Talk to people.

Yeah, remember when people did that? Those were the days when they weren’t clogging up the M50 every evening, with their kids festering away in filthy creches until 8pm. Sit your children around the fire and tell them how unlucky they are. Tell them how you remember the days when children were driven a quarter of a kilometre to their fee-paying school in Range Rovers and BMWs, equipped with Playstations and heated seats. Teach them about the days when ’spam’ was something you got in your inbox, and not a vital source of daily nourishment. They won’t believe you, of course. But your tall tales will be the only source of entertainment in their miserable little lives.